Tuesday, 25 October 2005

I'ma Hoist Your Hood, Mama, I'm Bound To Check Your Oil

Thanks to this article in the Times about sex advice through the ages, I found out that Haynes publishes a sex manual. I'm sure it's a serious ane thoughtful book, but I can't help wondering if it's like the car manuals and has illustrated, step-by-step instructions for everything you might want to do. Oh! Apparently it is.

Anyway, the Times column gathers together some of the wisdom of the ages at the bottom:
"Rub your penis with the bristles of certain insects that live in trees, and then, after rubbing it for ten nights with oils, rub it with the bristles as before. Swelling will be gradually produced. Then lie on a hammock with a hole in it and hang the penis through the hole. Take away the pain from the swelling by using cool concoctions. The swelling lasts for life." Kamasutra, translated by Sir Richard Burton and F. F. "Bunny" Arbuthnot (1883)

Never marry these women
"Redheads. Any girl named after a mountain, a tree, a river or a bird. Ones with rough hands or feet. Ones who sigh, laugh or cry at meals. Any girl with inverted nipples, a beard, uneven breasts, flap ears, spindle legs or who is scrawny. Girls whose big toes are disproportionately small. Girls who make the ground shake when they walk past." Koka Shastra, The Indian Scripture of Koka (12th century)

And, of course, the sanest advice of all:
“Never fool around sexually with a vacuum cleaner.” Dr Alex Comfort, The Joy of Sex (1972)

No comments: