Not really being a proper musician or a jazzer, I didn't quite get all the jokes in the above linked to list, however I did find the section on vocalists a scream. Partly because it's true and partly because it isn't aimed at me, what with being male and everything.
Vocals: Vocalists are whimsical creations of the all-powerful jazz gods. They are placed in sessions to test musicians’ capacity for suffering. They are not of the jazz world, but enter it surrepticiously. Example: A young woman is playing minor roles in college musical theater. One day, a misguided campus newspaper critic describes her singing as “...jazzy.” Voila! A star is born! Quickly she learns “My Funny Valentine,” “Summertime,” and “Route 66.” Her training complete, she embarks on a campaign of session terrorism. Musicians flee from the bandstand as she approaches. Those who must remain feel the full fury of the jazz universe (see “The Vocalist” below). I.H.: The vocalist will try to seduce you - and the rest of the audience - by making eye contact, acknowledging your presence, even talking to you between tunes. DO NOT FALL INTO THIS TRAP! Look away, your distaste obvious. Otherwise the musicians will avoid you during their breaks. Incidentally, if you talk to a vocalist during a break, she will introduce you to her “manager.”
Later, or course, the vocalist will return with a bunch of flyers for their new band that is too often called [type of music] [location]. You know Jazz Lounge, Soul Delta, Funk Basement... Something like that. They do the numbers mentioned above, plus they'll throw in a few modern songs, often from the Morissette oeuvre, and proceed to inflict the same note perfect blandness on those as on the standards. Much later there will be a demo CD where the thinness of her voice and the exact breaking point of her range will be explored in digital clarity.
Via the ever amazing Making Light.
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