Graphic Designer
If you have a client who is unable to approve a proposed design without putting her stamp on it, just put an obvious error in the proposal: a logo that’s too large, a font that’s too small, or a few judiciously seeded typos. The client requests the change and feels she’s done her part—and your design, which was perfect all along, sails through to approval.
Some folks over at Metafilter have decided to try and add some of their own (and argue the merits of "Handyman" over "Mechanic"). Again there is some enlightening stuff here:
Waiter: Kneel down at the table when saying "hi" to be at eye level with the patrons; this makes them feel like you care. Stand back up when taking their order; this makes them feel like you're professional. Bring candy with the check. If the pay with a credit card, use their name, as in "Here's your check, Mr. Idiot." Make physical contact, like quick taps to the arm or pats of the shoulder. For instance, if they point to the menu as they order (many mouth-breathers will do this) place your hand on their shoulder and lean your cheek towards theirs so you can look at their menu and see what their pointing at, as if it wasn't a job requirement to have every word memorized. Smile. Alot. Laugh at their stupid fucking jokes. Don't stack dishes up your arm like you work at a diner: use a tray. Always tell someone who agonizes over the wine list that he made an excellent choice; especially if he's on a date.
Anybody who orders white zin will not tip; chalk this table up as a loss and spend your time with the tables likely to pay you. If someone asks you for a wine recomendation, the formula is age = price of bottle. You will kill yourself for the first few days trying to keep track of people's kids in an attempt to make the parents happy so they give you a good tip. Anybody who brings their kids to the resturaunt is too cheap for a babysitter and therefore certainly too cheap to tip well. They will give you a line like "sorry my stupid brat is such a stupid fucking brat, but its so hard to find a good babysitter." This is bullshit. Some people will drink lots of water as a way to punish you, because they are passive agressive assholes. Leave the pitcher on their table, as an act of passive aggressive defiance. Memorize the specials. People eat that up, for some reason. You will ring 5-10% more just by memorizing the specials; its unbelievable. Make a recomendation and a non-recomendation: "The duck is good, but I wouldn't serve the seviche to my dog." This makes people think you care.
Anybody tipping less than 15% clearly needs the money more than you do; the kind thing to do is to tell them so and give them their "tip" back. Not only is this charitable, but it sets an example for your other tables. As the waiter, you are the ringmaster, the cattle herder. Its important to keep the flock in line.
Now I'm pretty sure the dining experience differs from country to country, but, if these are the secrets of American waiters, eating out in the US must be particularly shitty. The first paragraph is, essentially, how to be a phony mate, the second is about justifying how much of an arsehole you can be and the third makes it clear that it's all about the money. So, to recap, to be a waiter in the US you must be a fake, money-grabbing wanker. Great.
I'm not going to have a go at all of this, but here's a look at some of the things that are just plain wrong:
Possibly it's my Englishness, but if a waiter started patting me or putting their hand on my shoulder I'd be tempted to stab him through the eye with the no doubt stale breadstick he'd just brought to the table to show that he was willing to go that extra metre.
"If the pay with a credit card, use their name, as in "Here's your check, Mr. Idiot."" May after the third or fourth time you be to a place this would be OK, but showing off your ability to read -- well you've had to memorise the specials, so there is some doubt about this -- and mispronounce names isn't going to get anybody any repeat business.
"Laugh at their stupid fucking jokes." The chances I'd be telling you a joke are pretty low, I've not come to the restaurant to entertain you. If you overhear one of my jokes then you're obviously evesdropping and not working, and I don't give a flying fuck if you laugh or not.
"As the waiter, you are the ringmaster, the cattle herder. Its important to keep the flock in line." As a customer I'm happy if the waiter shows me my table, takes my order and brings my food. The night is about me and my companions, not about the inferiority complex of the person serving us. I really couldn't care less what your issues are. As the waiter if you believe you are the ringmaster you are sorely mistaken, those bad tips you're getting should surely tell you that.
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